Hanging On
by Birdy21
Summary: It wasn't easy masking the pain and ignoring that gaping hole Edward left. But fighting with Paul sure made it a whole lot easier. [Bella/Paul] AU NEW MOON! OOC
1. A Forest Full Of Pain

**Disclaimer: I do not own anything. Everything is created by Stephenie Meyer.**

**A/N: So I thought I'd try my hand at a Paul/Bella fic. I'll probably stray from the books and I'll probably make Bella OOC because I always felt like Bella was way too oppressed by Edward. So this fic starts out immediately after Edward has left Bella in the woods. Hopefully you guys will like it, I'm quite excited to write this so here it is. Enjoy!**

**1. A FOREST FULL OF PAIN**

There was an odd sense of familiarity when I pushed myself up, the palm of my hands roughened by the dirty forest floor. I could still feel the tear tracks on my cheeks, though most of it had dried up and was now staining my face, making it seem dirtier than it actually was. The sounds I kept hearing were still as prominent as before and it felt like time hadn't moved forward whatsoever, that I had laid here for mere seconds instead of hours. I let myself drop back to the ground again, ignoring the cold that seemed to seeping through the thin fabric of my clothing.

I didn't care that Edward had left me here, though it seemed so uncharacteristic of him to be so irresponsible. He knew that I wouldn't let him go without a fight, he knew I'd follow him. Maybe that was the thing that chased him away in the first place. I loved him too much and he couldn't deal with that. He knew I wasn't good enough for him, so in return I couldn't care less he left me here. I was comfortable where I was in the first place anyways. Despite the chill and the ever growing darkness that seemed to catch up with me, it still seemed like the perfect place to hide.

I closed my eyes momentarily and was surprised how the picture of Edward leaving was painted on the back of my eyelids, leaving a permanent reminder of how things were and how they had ended. It seemed so incredibly unfair I had so little say in his decision. He was able to whisk everyone away without any consequences. In return, I was left with the collateral damage that was now my responsibility.

How would I be able to face everyone?

I shivered and put my hands against my face, pressing the palms against my closed against, willing the stupid visions to go away. I didn't want them, I just wanted them to go away. I wanted to forget and stop feeling. I inhaled sharply and turned on my back. I couldn't see the sky though I could venture that whatever the time, Charlie would be worried. It should've been an incentive to get me back on my feet but along side with my ability to react, the strength to walk had left me. I could barely make out the shapes of the branches that hung high above me, from my perspective everything was magnified and was being held up by fragile strings. I wasn't part of that support system though, instead I was laying at the bottom of the wreckage, the only thing that resembled something alive.

The sounds of the forest gradually pulled back and after some time I was finally surrounded by utter silence. I could hear my heart beat against my chest, a loud solid thumping, proving that I was still indeed alive. The rush of blood pumping through my body was intensified as I heard it rush through my ears, my skin burning hot from the inside, though I was certain that I was cold to the touch. I knew for a fact that if someone were to come across my spot I would be presumed dead, or at least catatonic. The latter seemed a pleasant thought. I wasn't quite in the mood to feel everything, the damage that Edward had caused was best left untouched.

From my peripheral view I could see faintly see the shape of something. It was brief and almost shadow like. I began to doubt whether I had seen it in the first place. I really was tired and fatigue played a lot of tricks on people's mind. Especially mine. Suddenly, something hot clamped itself around my shoulder. My eyes snapped open and I was confronted with dark brown eyes, almost black, peering down at me. There were many things being registered in those eyes, all simultaneously. I couldn't grasp it, nor did I feel like I had to.

"Bella?" His voice was low and gruff. It rumbled in his chest and I inhaled faintly feeling somewhat relieved and ashamed at the same time. Relieved that he had finally spoken and ashamed that he had found me like this. It was too cold to blush though. I could see his frown deepen as I didn't respond. "Guys! I've found her!" The sudden shift in volume felt like a wakeup call. A sudden cacophony of noise followed and I realised I was surrounded by three tall, dark, half naked men.

I still didn't blush.

"Is she hurt?" Another voice rang and I settled for closing my eyes again.

"No, I don't think so." The first voice replied and suddenly I was being shaken again. "Don't fall asleep." He added sternly. "Do you hear me?" I sighed and opened my eyes in response. In the dark I was only able to make out the silhouettes but even from here I knew they were tall, broad and well shaped. It made me uncomfortable that they knew who I was but I couldn't tell their names to save my own life.

"Jared, why don't you head towards Chief Swan. Let him know that we've found Bella." I blinked as one of the three men moved towards the trees and had vanished from sight in mere seconds. "Paul, are you able to take her?" I knew he was referring to the one closest to me.

The one that found me first.

"Yeah." His voice warm and low. "What do you think, Sam?"

Sam. It was familiar.

Or so I thought.

A sudden shift in position coaxed a reaction out of me and I gasped as Paul whisked me off the ground. My hand tried to take hold of something sturdy but it only collided with Paul's bare chest and I let it there, my head in the crook of his neck. His skin was hot to the touch, even more than normal and I wondered if it was because I was so incredibly cold. I was now aware of the cold that had surrounded me like a bubble and it was now that I actually was able to feel how incredibly painful it could be.

Paul had a steady trot and I focused on the thumping of his heart beneath my hand and the continuous bounce of his feet. He was able to carry me like I weighed nothing more than a simple potato sack. I was folded into his body comfortably, every inch of me softly colliding with his.

"You still awake?" His chest rumbled and I jumped slightly, his hold on me tightening significantly.

"Yeah." I brought out. His eyes dropped to me, widened in surprise. I most certainly surprised myself too and I broke his gaze, letting my vision shift towards our surroundings. The forest looked the same to me, in daylight and during the night.

I wasn't sure why it was Paul that had found me, nor did I know where Sam had gone off to. If he was still with us I wasn't sure but when I looked around I realised that Paul and I were completely alone.

"Where's Sam?" I asked hoarsely. The back of my throat prickling with irritation.

"He's heading towards your dad." Paul didn't look down at me now. Instead his eyes were focused ahead of us and I didn't react upon that.

"Right." I breathed out. "Seems logical." I nodded affirmatively. It seemed imperative that my father knew who had found me. If only I knew too. Last I remembered I didn't know a Paul. Maybe it was a friend of my dad's? I didn't know all of them in the short year I lived in Forks. I shivered and ignored the urge to huddle against Paul.

"I'm cold." I confessed. I didn't understand why I was being so vocal. I certainly didn't want to be but with Paul I also didn't feel the urge to not be vocal. "Are we there yet?"

"Not yet." His voice was rough around the edges. "You weren't really easy to find you know. We've been looking for hours." I shrugged. He continued. "Why the fuck did you feel the urge to head out so deep into the woods in the first place? Do you have some kind of death wish?"

"Edward's gone." I muttered.

His eyes dropped down at this and I could feel his gaze on me, it was unnerving how exposed I felt and suddenly my eyes started to burn. My breath was shaky as I felt the need to explain but didn't know how to make him understand. After all, I didn't understand.

"Right, so you felt like hiking then?" His response wasn't what I expected. I was expecting sympathy, an awkward pat on my head but not a careless jest that didn't hurt me as much as expected.

"Yeah." I brought out. It felt easier to confirm it than to deny and as my tears spilled over, so did the barrier that provided the numbness. "He's gone." I repeated again and I found myself resting my head against his shoulder.

"Come on, we're almost there." He added gruffly as he shifted me in his arms and carried me out of the woods.

**XXXXXXXXXXXXX**

"Bella? Oh God, Bella!" Charlie's voice was loud and laced with panic. I could feel several pair of hands tug at me as I was shifted into someone else's hold. "Is she alright?" Charlie's question was directed towards Paul.

"She will be." Paul responded as our eyes met briefly. I didn't feel like saying something to him, but the lack of warmth was something I strongly felt and my body was trembling as Charlie swiftly carried me back to the house.

There was a small crowd gathered in front of house, familiar and unfamiliar faces all huddled together as they watched Charlie carry me, somewhat clumsily. I guess I got it from him then. The awkward walk and mannerisms. I ignored the questions that seemed to be poured down on me and raised my hands to my face, hiding behind them. I felt like a coward, being able to inflict such pain upon other because I couldn't handle the pain inflicted on me.

It didn't seem fair. Not everyone else had to suffer with me.

Before I knew it I was gently disposed on the couch as a blanket was wrapped around my shaky form. I was exhausted. In the heated house I now called home, I felt exhausted. It was filled with too much familiarity. The soft chatter of those in the house were louder than I had expected and it was obvious they were talking about me. As if I wasn't able to hear them, not reacting was one thing but this felt rude and it hurt me. Taking a swift peek at my clothes I saw that they were covered in mud, as was the blanket that was now wrapped around me. My hair clung to my face and I knew that I didn't have to look into a mirror to see the horrible damage I had inflicted upon myself.

"The Cullens are gone." It was dr. Snow's voice that pulled me out of my own misery. I tilted my head towards the kitchen and saw him conversing with Charlie. His eyes fell on me and he made his way towards me.

"Bella! Sweetheart!" He put his hand on my shoulder. "Did Edward do this?" I blinked and shrugged. He crouched down in front of me. "Bella." He repeated softly.

"Doesn't matter." I said hoarsely. "He's gone. They've all left." I murmured and I pushed aside the blanket.

"Bella, where are you going?" I manoeuvred through the throng of unfamiliar faces and ignored their touches.

"Bed." I clipped and I ascended the stairs blindly.

My room was exactly the same as I left it. The bed wasn't made and there were books all over the desk. I blinked, feeling the rush of emotions as they overpowered me. I shut the door and slid down to the floor. I was shivering but it wasn't the cold, no it was something else and I found myself crying.

Why did he have to go? Why, did he put me through so much just so he could leave? I found myself crawling towards my bed as I tugged at my clothes, letting them drop to the floor unceremoniously. I would pick them up when I felt like it. I buried myself under my comforter and put my hands against my ears. Right now, I didn't feel like feeling _anything_ at all. I just wanted to be numb.

But why did he have to go?

**A/N: And? How was it? Please leave me a review. They're an incentive to write even more :)**


	2. If You Notice At All

**Disclaimer: Do not own anything. **

**A/N: Thank you so much for all the alerts and reviews for the first chapter. I'm so incredibly happy with the response. I just realised, it's Valentine's day. Unfortunately, it's nor really a happy chapter, but for those who are celebrating it, have fun! I'm going through my own break up at the moment and writing this fic is somewhat of an outlet. So I've decided to change Bella's character a bit. She won't really go catatonic on us, not really, because it felt too unrealistic. But I'm working on the whole progress of the fic right now, honestly I'm not sure where I'm going with it right now, but it is headed somewhere! I listened to two songs in particular for this chapter and they're listed below. Listen to them while reading :) Thank you again for the reviews, they're a massive incentive to update!**

**This is the Thing – Fink  
Even Now – William Fitzsimmons **

**2. If You Notice At All**

I could hear Charlie prattle along as I just sat there at the kitchen table. I let him do that because I knew it comforted him more than it comforted me and I was fine with that, I honestly couldn't care less about what effected me nowadays. I had been stuck at home for over a week now, the first few days because I had contracted a fever that was more malicious than thought and secondly because I was still a bit frightened to face everyone else after that stupid little stunt I pulled, with of course Edward's help. Naturally, I'd be a bit reluctant to go back to school and since Fork's High School was the size of my junior class last year, I was bound to be pointed at. If I was able to avoid that by staying home a few more days than yes, I would, but even I couldn't admit that my reaction to this was way overdue. People separated all the time and they got over it, eventually. But the point is, they learned to deal with, so I had to buckle up and just wear my big girls' jeans and just get it the fuck over with.

Didn't mean I wanted to.

Charlie sat down across the table and I knew he was glancing at the half eaten bowl of cereal that was now merely being used as something to play with, rather than being eaten. I could see him sigh deeply as he swallowed his comments and grabbed his own bowl. I knew he was walking on egg shells ever since last week. And honestly, I was feeling well enough I suppose, for him to call me out on it. But Edward was on my mind and God it hurt, there was this giant hole in my chest where my heart was supposed to be and sometimes I just couldn't breathe because of the hurting. But I knew I had to and I was trying so desperately to oppress it, I honestly was. I didn't know half of the time how to do it, I just tried to shut it out and focus on things that were mundane but were at least able to distract me.

Distraction was the number one key.

"Do you need me to drop you off at school?" Charlie suddenly asked and I jumped slightly. Charlie, dropping me off?

"No, I rather take the truck." I answered slowly. Charlie nodded thoughtfully before dropping his eyes to the table again. He was even less vocal than normal which actually said something. Both Charlie and I weren't really known for chattering but Charlie really was even worse than I was. And that said something.

"You can stay home another day, if you want to." He added after some time and I sighed deeply. I can't explain how tempting that offer actually sounded. But hiding in my room seemed like a good idea a week ago. Right now, it only felt like I was being a coward, and I hated feeling weak. I shook my head, not knowing how to reply and Charlie started nodding again. "Right, get back into the saddle." He muttered lowly and I rolled my eyes at that analogy.

Charlie disposed of his dishes in the sink and gave me a peck on the head, surprising me with his display of affection. "Have a good day at school." Was the only thing he said as he grabbed his coat and shrugged into it before leaving.

Sometimes I forgot that I wasn't the only who had to deal with a loss. Charlie dealt with it too. After all, my mother left him all those years ago and he didn't recover from it either. I wondered if that was a foreshadowing of my own future. Maybe I would never get over Edward, maybe I was bound to be stuck alone for meddling with the supernatural and trying to be with someone who would never, ever want to be with me. Because I was the one thing that put his family in danger merely because I was so selfishly in love.

I inhaled shakily as I tried to blink away the tears. I could feel the throbbing in my chest increase as I pushed even harder to ignore it. Instead of me being able to overpower it, it overwhelmed me entirely and I found myself wanting to just cry. But as I quickly glanced at the clock I realised I had two options, stay here and be late, or go early and manage to avoid the crowd. The latter seemed more tempting and I found myself taking deep breaths as I collected my things for school, heading towards my truck. The truck that I hadn't driven in over a week.

Like the first time I ever drove it, the engine's roar scared me, only this time I didn't laugh in response, instead I quickly made my way to school.

Like expected, people were staring at me, they weren't even trying to be subtle about it. Instead they glared at me with this knowledge that I obviously didn't know they had. It was an odd thing to perceive in the first place. The effect of their stares was imminent and I could feel the insecurity set in, it flood through my head like a tsunami and I sighed deeply and clenched my books in my hands, my knuckles white with the effort of trying to hold it all in. Maybe staying at home for another day was a good idea.

As I settled into the corridor and had discarded of my books in my locker I realised that today was going to be one of those days. Where nothing you did or said would make you feel any better. That was how I felt, only difference was that this feeling would stick around for more than just one day. It would probably stick around longer than I would like to and I had to get used to that fact. I rather not though. I pushed aside a few strands of hair and turned around only to realise that there were people whispering rather loudly about me. My breath halted in my chest and I could practically hear everyone's thought even if they didn't vocalise them.

"_He broke up with her!"_

"_They found her in the woods hours later, apparently he had left here there."_

"_Well can you blame him?"_

Sharp pangs were stabbing me in the back and I realised I was desperately wishing for class to begin, I'd be able to escape from all the constant whispers. I didn't even bother looking around for it only would fuel the never ending pool of pain that was whirling inside of me and I quickly pushed past the throng of people as they threw their words at me. I found myself at standing in the girls bathroom as I tried to reign in the tears, threatening to escape my careful hold.

This was to be expected, even though the Cullens weren't that popular, they were at least infamous and the fact that I became their little plaything for the past months was known to everyone for no obvious reason. It was so much easier resisting everyone else's judgements when Edward was still with me, his hand on the small of my back would provide enough comfort to let all those words slide past me. It was enough, to have him and be in this little pink bubble of happiness.

Now I was out of that bubble and God I would do anything to get it back. I needed it, I couldn't just leave it all behind me, it hurt too much to pretend it never happened. He may be able to leave and start over, I couldn't. His lack of presence wasn't the only thing haunting me. Everywhere I looked there were memories. And I was quite sure that were plenty of people willing to remind of the things I had lost.

I glanced at the mirror and was slightly surprised to see that the misery was so easily detected. My whole stature just exuded misery.

I was miserable.

I quickly moved to the stalls and grabbed some toilet paper, trying to wipe away the makeup I had so carefully painted on my face. The paper came back black and I threw it away, taking a deep breath and running my hands through my hair.

This was okay, it will be okay. Just the first day and tomorrow everything will be better. Funny how I'm even incapable of lying to myself.

**XXXXXXX**

The pitter patter of the rain against my window pain was almost like music. Soft and constant as it tried to gently batter my window. From my peripheral view I could see the glaring numbers of my alarm clock. It was frighteningly early as it blinked 5:40 in the morning, though I knew I was awake for an hour now. Sleep didn't quite come as easily as before, though I had never been such a brilliant sleeper, my dreams as vivid as my imagination, but at least I was able to get some eye shut. Right now, I didn't even feel like sleeping, my dreams were far too Edward focussed and I wanted to forget every single thing he represented. And though I was semi capable of shutting out the emotions his memory brought during the day. At night, it was a whole different story.

The first week at school had been horrid and I wasn't able to shut out the gossip that circulated oh so eloquently throughout the whole school. And ignoring their looks was harder than imagined. It helped to have Mike with me for some time, his chatter was lacked content but I was distracted by trying to pay him some attention. But the second I sat down next to Angela I would be bombarded by my own revelations that all concluded one thing: that Edward leaving was long time coming.

At least Jessica didn't even bother to mask her curiosity. Her snippy comments hurt like hell and she was lucky she was such an oblivious person, not to mention ignorant, but even I couldn't ignore the shift in emotions when she felt like bringing up Edward again.

All the other people didn't come close enough to make a difference.

I sighed and rolled onto my back, it was going to be another gray day. I didn't want to go to school, I didn't want to see their stupid, prejudiced opinions. They never knew Edward the way I did. But on the other hand, I never knew him as well. If I did I might've been able to figure out why he let me in before dumping so unceremoniously. Was I that much of a liability that he couldn't keep me around? Or was it because I honestly wasn't good enough for him.

Regardless, he left me with this open wound and I couldn't try for the life of me to find a way to close it. I didn't want to have to pretend that I was alright with him leaving. Because every fibre in my being protested viciously against that notion, but I couldn't put my father through the hell I would put him in if I lost sight of that notion. He didn't have to go through another separation. And maybe someday I would be like him; content.

A tear escaped my careful hold and I took a shaky breath before I sat up. I would be going through a cycle. Going round and round until I was back at square one, which would be in the forest.

I wasn't sure whether Paul would be there this time to pick me up.

A sharp sting from the inside shook me and I brought my hand to my chest, trying to rub away the lingering pain. I hadn't seen nor spoken to Paul since that day. Charlie had called his family to thank him but it never crossed my mind to reach out to him at all. I wasn't quite sure whether I would be able to see him anyways. He saw me at my worst and we didn't even know each other before that unfortunate event. And first impressions lingered and it would be easier for me if I let him have that impression on him for the rest of his life than me making an even bigger fool out myself to prove him otherwise.

I simply didn't have the energy to spend on something like that.

Besides, I sincerely doubted that Paul even remembered me. Perhaps he had forgotten that silly girl he found all sprawled out like some animal on the forest floor. Or he didn't even care about me at all to even remotely be bothered about it, at least not the way I was. I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't embarrassed. It took me some time to get that embarrassment out in the open but once it was out, I felt the red hot shame crawl upon me. My skin burning in response as I tried to register the stupidity of the situation. Nevertheless, like I said before, I doubt he'd notice at all.

I pushed aside the blankets and decided for some early breakfast as I descended the stairs. I wasn't surprised to find Charlie there up and early, already clothed for another day at work. Not much had changed for him, except his deranged daughter perhaps.

He glanced up as I moved past him to grab a bowl.

"You're up early." His voice was soft but rough around the edges. "Did you get any sleep?"

I nodded. "Yeah." I breathed out as I sat down at the kitchen table. "Had an early night." I clarified and he nodded slowly. His frown marring his forehead as suspicion danced in his dark eyes. They were so alike mine. I never realised how alike we were, even in our mannerisms. I sighed and picked up the spoon.

"Have a good day at school, sweetheart." He pecked me on the head and I didn't look up anymore.

It was becoming a routine and as he trotted out the front door I wondered if he noticed what kind of show both of us were putting up? Because I'm not sure if I'd pick up on it.

**A/N: How was it? Cookies in return for reviews :)**


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